


for my life, still ahead, pity me

by Zartbitterpoetin



Series: What The Water Gave Me [1]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Death, F/M, Forced Prostitution, Gen, Mourning, Violence, this is pretty sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 18:56:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20068927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zartbitterpoetin/pseuds/Zartbitterpoetin
Summary: Apparently, some escaped rebels and terrorists have managed to form a small and weak resistance in former District Thirteen and have already been executed, no need to worry, dear citizens. It is possible that some small parts of this horrible movement against the government of their great country have already infected other Districts or the Capitol but those criminals will swiftly be dealt with.Finnick doesn’t listen after that, he doesn’t have to, and instead looks around, sees looks of horror on several faces. They all know what that means: The rebellion has been discovered. “Shit”, Johanna says and Finnick can only agree silently.





	for my life, still ahead, pity me

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song "39" by Queen.

On the screen, the victor of the 74th Hunger Games is standing, with blood on his hands and horror in his eyes. Peeta Mellark just lost the girl he loved and murdered another boy and it probably seems like a nightmare to him. And he doesn’t even know that he will never wake up from it again. 

Finnick stares at the monitor, at the boy and feels nothing or at least tells himself he doesn’t. Of course they had to kill each other, the star-crossed lovers from District Twelve, too much hope is dangerous, after all. He should have seen it coming. He looks at Peeta cradling the lifeless body of the girl close to his chest and doesn’t think of Annie. He doesn’t.  
Katniss Everdeen wasn’t at all like Annie and besides, Annie doesn’t belong in this place, in the Capitol, in this flat full of fake gold and glitter, between the sweaty bodies and dirty words. It isn’t to protect her, it’s too late for that, but to protect Finnick. He doesn’t want to taint her memory with… this. 

A slim hand pets his arm, and the woman by his side presses her lips against his neck and murmurs something into it, but he doesn’t listen. The feeling of her warm breath against his skin sends shivers down his spine and for a moment his mask slips and he leans away from her. That might be a mistake, might be dangerous but he can’t bring himself to care. Somehow, after everything he'd seen, he still had hoped for a happy ending. He knows that it wouldn’t have lasted but after being a victor for nine years and just as many a mentor, he knows that you must try to get happiness wherever you can. 

But it seems like even that is too much to ask of the Capitol and so the victor of the 74th Hunger Games is Peeta Mellark, a baker’s son from Twelve, sixteen years old and already broken. Slowly Finnick turns his head away from the television screen and instead to his date. He smiles, flirtatious and self-assured, and leans closer. 

“I think it might be time for us to celebrate these exciting Hunger Games”, he purrs and pushes down the sick feeling in his stomach. He decided to play along with Snows Games, now he has to bear the consequences. And so what if the temptation to swallow more sleeping pills then he really needs is getting bigger and bigger each year? He can’t bring himself to do it yet, not as long as there is Annie and his parents, and his siblings and their children but sometimes he dreams of fleeing this thing he calls life.  
He can’t endanger his family more than he already has, can only try to be the perfect puppet, the playboy for the Capitol, a mindless pretty boy. And while he is wearing a mask, he can at least gather secrets, some form of rebellion. 

Some of the victors have plans, he knows for sure that Mags and Beetee do, and they even have some hidden rebels in the Capitol. Finnick knows that District Thirteen still exists, that it will soon be ready for open rebellion. They only need a spark now. He had hoped for Katniss to be it, but it seems like it will take a while longer still. Finnick can wait and dream of one day using all his secrets, of shifting the power, spitting it back in their faces. He looks in the purple eyes of the woman who has bought him for the next two weeks and imagines ripping them out, with his bare hands. He knows how to do it too. Her screams would be like music, the blood creating a beautiful painting on the floor. He smiles, with that image in his mind, and lets himself be led into the bedroom. 

The victors have their annual dinner two days later. Every victor currently residing in the Capitol is there and the new kid is introduced. It’s an initiation just as much as a ritual as a comfort as a warning as a strategic meeting. Mags started this tradition, of course she did, because she has always held others together, is one of the most caring and loving people he knows. He still remembers his first dinner, fourteen, traumatized and trying not to show it. They must have seen right through him, even if the Capitol didn’t. They had taken him in, cared for him like they do every time, even though he hadn’t known that back then. In a way, they’re all family. When he arrives at the restaurant, having just washed her scent away and not slept more than three hours, most victors are already there, gathered in the room they have rented like each year. 

“Lover boy!” he is greeted by a hollering Johanna, who approaches him with a glass with some bright pink liquid in it. With a swift motion he takes the drink out of her hand, smirks and drains it all in one go. “Yeah, fuck you too”, she says, smiling and that’s that. He goes around greeting the others and spots the newest victor almost immediately. Peeta is currently talking to Beetee, Haymitch besides him when Finnick appears beside the three men to introduce himself. 

“Finnick Odair”, he says, smiles charmingly and holds out his hand. Peeta takes his hand, shakes it and answers: ”Peeta Mellark. A pleasure.” There is a twinkle is his eyes and Finnick decides to play along. “Oh my, isn’t that just the most beautiful name I’ve ever heard”, he says in his most fake, posh Capitol-Accent. Peeta huffs and smiles and the smile looks real, a little bit at least. That will have to do for now. 

“Hey you old fucks, I’m going to rescue lovely Peeta here from you two”, he says, puts his arm around the young man and leads him a few steps away from Haymitch and Beetee. "So, how are you doing?", he asks, bluntly. What a stupid question, really, but Peeta is nice and naive enough to answer in earnest. 

"I'll manage. The worst thing is the loneliness, I think." Finnick is surprised at such honesty and maybe that makes him a bit soft, because the next thing he says is: “We’re all here for you, you know. You don’t have to be alone.” He lets a bit of his accent from home slip into his speech. Peeta nods, and there is so much sadness shimmering under the surface. And because Peeta really is too nice for his own good, he tells him: “Don’t let them see behind your mask.”  
He is whispering now, aware that they are watched. “Be careful, always. The walls have ears, even at home. Trust few.” Peeta looks so lost in this moment, that Finnick can’t help but add: “Try to find happiness.” Peeta nods and Finnick brings him back to Haymitch and joins Jo in her next drink. 

Peeta has something very honest about him, but he also carries around a heavy cloud of sorrow. Finnick hopes that the love story around him and Katniss will help with keeping the hands of the Capitol away from him for at least a year, maybe even two. He is too kind for this world, smiles at them all and gives hugs and he even brought cookies for them, as Finnick later learns. But Finnick doesn’t underestimate him. He knows how to spot a skilled liar. He only hasn’t figured out who Peeta really is and he thinks, that Peeta doesn’t really know himself, still shocked from the arena, still shaking and still getting used to his new artificial leg. 

Having good relations to the others has many benefits, they can help him get adjusted and Peeta must know that. Finnick himself has made a point to have good connections to most victors, has an extremely close relationship with Haymitch, Johanna and, of course Mags, and that may be his desire to feel at least a little bit safer when he is in the Capitol, but it also comes in handy at other times. 

This year is one of the first years Mags isn’t a mentor, and he misses her terribly but it is still a good evening, if you put aside the deaths of 23 children and the welcoming of a new toy for the Capitol, but that’s just normal by now. Johanna is telling him terrible jokes and Haymitch is less drunk than usual (Finnick thinks it might be a combination of Peetas watchful eye and paying some sort of respect to the girl) and he is free this evening and really, it’s too good to be true. 

He should have known, somehow, that peace isn’t for people like them but he is still shocked when the Capitol suddenly airs a TV special, interrupting the discussion about these years games in talk shows on practically every channel to inform all citizens of Panem that a revolutionary plot has been discovered and dealt with.  
Apparently, some escaped rebels and terrorists have managed to form a small and weak resistance in former District Thirteen and have already been executed, no need to worry, dear citizens. It is possible that some small parts of this horrible movement against the government of their great country have already infected other Districts or the Capitol but those criminals will swiftly be dealt with. 

Finnick doesn’t listen after that, he doesn’t have to, and instead looks around, sees looks of horror on several faces. They all know what that means: Thirteen has been discovered, just as the rebellion itself. “Shit”, Johanna says and Finnick can only agree silently. 

There are discussions over how they should proceed. Some think they should keep low, wait a few years more to recover and then strike again, some think they should rebel openly now, when the Capitol is still weak from fighting against District Thirteens. And some think that they should just resign, that it is hopeless and far too dangerous. Finnick is one of those, because he has to think of his family and he knows that they don’t have enough people, resources, weapons, without District Thirteen on their side, that it won’t be enough. Their movement breaks apart and later Finnick will think that this might have been their greatest downfall but for now he is only tired and numb. 

He goes back to Four and tries to forget, like he does every year and if he holds Annie tighter than usual when he comes home, well, these Games were just really stressful. Annie hugs him back just as tight and they whisper to each other at night, about love, and broken people and the revolution that failed. He goes swimming with her and Mags, and for some weeks everything is alright.

Until one very early morning, it is still dark outside, Finnick is woken by loud noises, banging and yelling and crying, and Annie isn’t here with him, so he runs outside and sees a lot of peacekeepers swarming the Victors Village. Desperate he looks around for Annie and Mags and finds them wrestled in between some peacekeepers and while Mags is relatively calm, Annie is sobbing and screaming and throwing herself against the grip of her captors. Finnick wants to run to her and hold her and he has already opened his mouth to call out to her, when he is grabbed by many rough hands and weapons are pointed at him. 

“Finnick Odair? You are suspected of treason and are ordered to come with us now”, one peacekeeper says and like the good little Victor he is, Finnick nods and lets himself be taken. The troops of the Capitol apparently have arrested several other residents of Four, because as he and the others are led to the big town square near the harbor and the city hall, he sees shattered windows and prisoners being taken, parents ripped away from their crying children. 

He clenches his teeth and balls his fist but stays silent. He stays silent when Annie, two steps behind him, pleads for him to come and help her fight. He stays silent, when, about two hours later, they are lined up on the square and the whole District is called together for an assembly, even the fishers who by this time in the morning are usually already out at sea and when he sees them, he knows something horrible is about to happen. 

He is silent when they push them forward and talk of treason and security and safety and Finnick holds Annies hand as tight as he can. He stays silent until they try to rip Annie away from him and then he screams. It’s a horrible, ugly sound but he can’t seem to stop because suddenly he knows what’s about to happen, even before the peacekeepers pull out their guns and he struggles against their hold and he doesn’t care about anything but Annie and then there is a shot and blood spraying on his face and Annie lying on the floor and he is finally let go but it’s too late, too late. He runs to her and holds her and in the distance hears more gunshots and crying but he doesn’t let go until Mags gently leads him away. 

Later, Finnick will learn that the Capitol shot suspected terrorists everywhere and most of his friends are dead now. They broadcasted it, made photos, forced all Panem to look at them. 

He stands on the peer and throws rocks into the water. Each rock a name. 

Haymitch. A splash. 

Beetee. The waves crash against the stone. 

Seeder. He doesn’t recognize the song of the sea anymore, not like he used to.

Johanna. And the sea, it used to rock him to sleep. 

Annie. A seagull cries and flies away and he wants to spread his wings too. 

Once his hands are empty, he searches for new rocks and starts again. Like a prayer, a rhythm, a sad and twisted song. 

Mags sits down beside him. “We can build it up again, right Mags?”, he says and he hates how broken he sounds, like a fucking child. But he needs this, it’s his last hope. He needs a reason to keep fighting, living. He looks into her eyes and sees grief and nothing else and that frightens him, more than almost anything else. She shakes her head, then shrugs. “Finnick”, she says, smiling, and he starts to cry on her shoulder.

He is the new example, the new warning. Don’t defy the Capitol. Do whatever they say or you’ll lose those you love. And they were the proof that no one is untouchable. Proof, that you never really win the Games. 

The next year, everything is back to how it was before, with so many people, friends missing at the training center, at the monitors, at their annual dinner. The empty spaces scream at him and he sees their shadows in corners and in the smoke of the cigarettes his clients love so much. Peeta is still there and Mags and Kyle and Enobaria and seven other victors. Everyone else is dead. 

But Finnick doesn’t think about that or about anything else. Peeta tries to start a conversation with him, but Finnick is just so tired. He just looks at the boy, emotionless, and then turns away. Peeta stops trying soon and the light in his eyes is dead too. It’s the first time Finnick doesn’t care about mentoring at all. What does it matter if his tributes die in the arena or in the bedroom of a rich man from the capitol? If they die with the blood of all the children they failed to protect on their hands or with all the things they’ve done just to survive? 

All the while, Mags health is rapidly declining, and he doesn’t know what to do. They both now she doesn’t have much time left and they try to make some happy memories, but it isn’t enough. It will never be enough. So Finnick drinks and smokes and swallows another pill until he is numb enough, until he doesn’t care anymore about death, about hands on his body, about the injustice of it all. They find him on the floor of an apartment that isn’t his, half naked. Overdose. They bring him back, two times, three times. They tell him his mother died in an accident. His brother is lost at sea. He stops trying after that. 

He doesn’t cry at Mags' funeral. There are cameras there, filming the urn and the people and Finnick Odair. There are few of the people that really mattered there. The funeral is in the Capitol, after all. He doesn’t let anything show on his face. He has given the TV screens almost everything. He will not give them this too. In his bag sits a red casket with ashes inside, and he just thinks about that and not about anything else. He waits until most of the mourners have left and corners Peeta. When he is sure that nobody is paying attention to them, Finnick hugs him and whispers in his ear. “Come with me to Four. I have something to show you.” Peeta looks at him and there is almost a spark in his eyes. 

He nods.

So they board the train and talk about the weather and hobbies and about the new TV show, and not about any of the things they really want to talk about. Finnick leads the boy through the District that doesn’t know, doesn’t like him. He visits the rest of his family, knocking on their door with a shaking hand. Sally opens the door and her mouth becomes a thin line when she sees him. Her eyes are a mix of distrust and pity. 

“Finnick”, she says and nothing more. “Hey”, he answers and then gestures to Peeta. “This is Peeta Mellark. I promised to show him Four a little bit and my invitation was kind of a spontaneous thing, you know. Can we stay with you for a while?” He doesn’t say that he can’t go back to his empty house in Victors Village but she seems to understand nevertheless. 

She was always the sibling he had the best relationship with, after all. So she lets him in with a sigh and a little smile. His father is there too, and all of his siblings and his nieces and nephews. In Four you don’t really move out of your parents' house if they still have room to spare and if you do move out, you visit as often as possible. 

And if your biological family is shit, well, chosen family is just as important, so friends living together all their life in a house that’s getting bigger and bigger somehow, is also pretty common. It’s one of the most important rules of his home, that family stays together, that you look out for your own, no matter what. He looks at the grief on their faces and he thinks about his mother, his brother, Mags, Johanna, Annie and all the other people he couldn’t protect. 

All the people he murdered. Just another reasons to mistrust him. Just another reason he doesn’t belong.  
There is a fragile thing between him and the others and they smile at each other tightly and have hugs that are a bit uncomfortable and short. 

He and Peeta share his old room and get up at the break of dawn the next day, before his father and Ian and Ava set out to the sea. He takes the little casket out of his bag and puts it into his jacket. He shakes Peeta softly to wake him, but the boy still jumps up ready for a fight and Finnick understands that. “It’s alright. I want to take you on a fishing trip. Come on.” Peeta looks at him like he has gone mad and maybe he has but that isn’t the point here. 

Finnick knows Peeta is still waiting for what they really have come here to do. When they arrive in the kitchen, his father and his sister and brother are already there. “I thought we could join you today”, Finnick says and goes to make get a cup of coffee. Peeta just stands there helplessly and his father grunts.  
“Wonderful”, Finnick says and sits down again. He thinks he has already spent more time with his family today than in the last year. “How are the kids?”, he asks his siblings and lets their stories, interrupted by occasional yawns, flow around him. 

Later, as the sun begins to rise and they are on the open sea, Finnick finally feels safe enough to do what they came here for. Peeta has charmed his family already and they get along great and Finnick hates to interrupt them, but this is important. Just before they want to start casting out the nets, he takes the little casket out of his pocket. Avas eyes fall on it and she opens her mouth in surprise. 

“Is that…?”, she asks and now the others have noticed too. Finnick nods. “Her ashes. I couldn’t let them have her. Mags belongs to the sea. Not there”, and he lets his hatred and disgust for the Capitol shine through, just for a little moment. “I gave them burned wood instead”, and he is proud of that actually.  
He isn’t their mindless puppet yet. He turns to Peeta. 

“Mags did everything to set us all free and now it’s all gone to shit. All our friends are dead. But maybe we have a chance. Maybe we can build it up again, maybe in ten or twenty years. We owe it to her. To them. To us.” 

The wind takes her ashes and the sea swallows her and Finnick sits down and stares at the water. There is silence, for a long time after that.


End file.
